Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
