The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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