i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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