No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
