I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
