Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
