i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
