just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
