I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
