I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
