I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
