There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize