I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize