I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
