If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
