I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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