It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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