i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
