Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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