I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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