I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
