It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
