The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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