He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
