did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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