Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
