so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
