you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
