When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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