cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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