I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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