Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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