you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
