If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
