i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
