Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
