i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize