Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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