Is it because I queefed?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
