The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
