she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
