Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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