Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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