just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My ass is underappreciated
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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