I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
