I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
did you just send me my own nude
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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