Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
