so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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