I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
