maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I love you. Go after that dick
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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