Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
