Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
