you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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