Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
ugly people sure do ruin things
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Randomize