I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
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