I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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