I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
