Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
